10 Ways to Connect Deeply with Your Spouse

Phillip and I had a great birthday weekend together this past week. Our birthdays are six days apart so it's always a great week of celebrating for us. Our kids love it because essentially, they get two "birthday parties" in one week. What kid wouldn't love that?

Well we got a chance to connect on a deeper level since the kids were away at their god-parents' for the weekend. During this time, I realized all over again that intimacy with your mate can be created several different ways. It's not just sex.

1. Cook together. We do this on occasion. Phillip is probably the best omelet maker who I know personally. Every now and again, we go to the kitchen and we tackle breakfast, together! It's perfect, I'll do the french toast or pancakes and he takes care of the omelets. It's fun moving around the kitchen together. Sharing the butter, stealing the spatula when the other isn't looking and as a result of this "close quarters" time, we engage is some of the greatest conversations about the kids or our future or some crazy things of the past. Which leads me to my next point.

2. Reminisce. Sometimes in the here and now, life can get hectic and stressful and busy. Take a moment sometimes to remember the days of living in your one bedroom apartment. Talk about how slowly you drove when you brought baby number one home compared to how to tore out of the hospital parking lot when driving baby number two home...don't even talk about how you drove with baby number three...

3. Work toward a common goal. As a blogger I am blessed with a husband who knows a lot about web design and internet marketing. He's actually finishing up his degree in computer programming but it's fun when we're both engaged in our work and talking things over as we go. I love the fact that he wants to help out so badly and how he jumps at the opportunity to come over to my laptop to show me what he knows. He loves helping me out of a sticky situation. Now, if you're like me, you have the "I can do it myself" syndrome, but men do still like to come to our rescue. And while you may not feel like you're making a deep connection by allowing him to help you, you are.

4. Read together. Sounds boring right? Well, you have to read the right kind of books. (smile) I love to read marriage related books with Phillip. It allows us the chance to talk about things that we may have gotten too busy to discuss in our day to day lives. And I'll just say it. Read about making love. There have been great Christian books written on the subject. You can find a wealth of information on this subject at Sheila Gregoire's site To Love, Honor and Vacuum. One of my most favorite sites in the whole world wide web. Get it? www? ok.

5. Get a couples massage together. We got the opportunity to do this one for our birthdays this year. It was his first time so instead of relaxing, he was uptight. He actually said, while we were sitting in the relaxation room, and I quote, "I don't do relaxation." LOL That was just so funny to me. He's quirky like that. But he enjoyed the massage. He actually said that he was thinking of our marriage and being happy to be married to me. I'm pretty sure that it was because we were in the same room, doing something together. If you've been paying attention...it's pretty much whatever you do "together" will help you build that connection that's needed in any marriage.

6.  Create something together. This is akin to working together but it is a little bit different. Kind of like when we planted a garden in our backyard as a family. That was time well spent. We can watch it grow or NOT together. :). We can see the product of something that we did with our own hands and relish in or laugh at the results, together. Another creation of ours is Silly School Songs. We write and sing the songs together and when we're done, we share in the feeling of accomplishment together. It is an amazing feeling. If you don't have a talent that you share together then just create a baby. That'll give you some togetherness. LOL!

7. Learn each other's love language and try to deliver. I can just tell you that my love language is acts of service. But this is how I show love, it's not necessarily how I receive love. I do love it when Phillip does things for me, but it is only certain acts that communicate love to me. Some acts communicate and ignites feelings other than love. I don't know how many wives out there who DO NOT want their husbands to help with out with the house work, but I am one! It's not EVERYTHING, just some things. When he starts to do the laundry for instance, it doesn't make me happy. Instead it makes me feel as if I've slacked off on the housework. I know that may sound 1950s to some people however, he works so hard and so diligently at providing an income for our family that I want to hold up my end of the bargain. He's only being helpful when he does it and I need to make adjustments in my thinking. At any rate, find out what your spouse's love language is and communicate love often.

8. Exercise together. I think that every top ten post that I've done about connecting with a loved one, kids or spouse or just yourself, includes exercise. This is not a joke, it really could be good bonding time. Depending on the exercise that you choose to do, you could catch up on some conversations that you may not be able to have with the kids around. It could be a fun time of laughing with or even at each other (this is what my and my husband's time is usually like--laughing and playful).

9. Steal away. Try getting away for a weekend, a night or just for a dinner. We all know this one, it's no secret, the secret may be figuring out HOW to get away.

10. Pray together. I was told that there was a study done that Dr. Phil McGraw quoted from on one of his shows that stated that couples who pray together everyday, have long lasting marriages. I wish I would take the time to put a link to that information for you, but I just turned in my argumentative paper for school last night and I'm just a little bit over references and citations for the time being. :)

As always, thank you for reading and linkin this article up at Top Ten Tuesday and here.

Peace in Learning

Peace in learning...that's what my four year old prayed and asked God for over a month ago when it was brought to my attention that my method of getting the kids to behave was doing a lot more harm than good.

You see, about a month and a half ago, I would walk into my daughters' room instructing them to do something as simple as brush their teeth or clean their room and I'd notice that my youngest daughter

would scurry in a hurry or shuffle nervously at the sound of my voice. Whether I was walking in the room or calling from another room of the house, she'd do this. My children are 7 and 4 and I'd been yelling so much out of frustration and impatience that it was becoming a very bad habit.

 After about 4-7 days of seeing this, I realized that what I saw in her was 'fear'. I could not take that. I gathered them both together and asked if they were afraid. The youngest said, "yes because the last time you were so upset with us." At that point, we talked and talked. I told them that there shouldn't be any fear in our home and that we are a family and that we love each other. I told them that discipline is for learning and is a must, but fear is not apart of the equation.

So I grabbed their little hands and asked them to pray with me to ask God to help mommy to communicate with them better so that there is no fear in our home and family.

After I  prayed (in an earnest and nearly desperate tone) not feeling any closure or complete-ness to the matter, I asked the youngest girl to pray (I rarely do this). We grabbed hands again, the three of us and she prayed one sentence that went like this: "God I ask you to help us to have peace in learning. Amen."

As soon as she was done, I knew that was it! I don't know how that sounds to you, but to me, it was music. It was as if the heavens opened up and the heavenly chorus began to sang hallelujah! I choked up some and looked into Chelsea's deep set dark eyes and said, "that's it Chelsea, that is it." "God answered our prayer through your prayer." She looked proud, elated, and a little confused all at the same time.

Here it is though. For us, we needed peace. It's kind of like The Sword in the Stone. I thought, with my much yelling and muscle strength, I could get the kids to behave and do what's right. However, the only fruit that I saw was fear manifesting in my girls' hearts. What I actually needed was to approach disciplining them from a peaceful perspective using far less muscle, so that they'd have peace even while being disciplined which simply means to teach. That's part of what a child needs. A peaceful atmosphere to learn and grown in.

Now, my husband and I believe in consequences for disobedience. So this is not your "talk to them and reason with them" speech although, we do do that. This was just what I believe God used to get through to me that yelling, in my home, was not necessary and not the way for me to discipline the girls.

Here's the take away of this post if that's what your are here for. Talk to the kids about discipline and how your yelling is not the best response but that disobedience is also unacceptable and that discipline is a must no matter what. Then, PRAY. Pray and ask God to help you. But don't do it alone, pull your kids in on it no matter their ages. They will see your sincerity in seeking God on this issue and realize that you are serious about making changes in this area. They will see how important it is to you. This will be just one more way for them to be eye-witnesses of your love for them.

What do you do when the heat is on? How do you handle these high pressure moments in your day with the kids? Leave a comment and feel free to leave a link so we can find your blog and comment as well.

Thanks for reading!

Steph --I would love it if you liked me on facebook!
 

Guest Post: 10 Reasons Why I Love My Wife

I’m laughing to myself right now because Stephanie has no idea that I’m “hijacking” her blog with this post. LOL

To all of Stephanie’s regular readers, this is her husband Phil. In honor of Mother’s Day, I wanted to do this post as a meager attempt to pay her back for the awesome post she did about me a couple of weeks ago. Man, I have a good wife. :)

I really could make this list go on ad infinitum, but I’m choosing ten of the most stand-out reasons for the sake of (or at least the intention of) brevity. So, here goes…

1. She is my absolute best friend in the whole world. This counts to me probably more than anything else, so I figure it’s a good place to start. Stephanie & I started our relationship as friends. We were friends for 2 years, and then dated for 2 years, and then we got married. Through all of our ups and downs (and there have been some), the one thing that has never changed is the fact that she is my ace, my “running buddy”, the one who I know will ALWAYS have my back. She truly is the most loyal person I know. I value our friendship more than I can put into words.

2. She is an AWESOME mom to our kids. Believe me, whatever great things people may see in our children, whether it’s their manners, intelligence, etc., it’s not by accident; it is largely due to Stephanie’s involvement with them. I have seen her go to near-unimaginable lengths to make sure that they have what they need to have, that they learn what they need to learn, and that they become the children that she & I desire them to become.

I have to tell a quick story regarding this point: A couple of Halloweens ago, our kids both remarked that they wanted to wear Princess Celestia costumes (My Little Pony fans, unite!). We couldn’t find any in the stores—to this day I’m still not sure if they even make them. Do you know what my wife did? She studied pictures (and our girls’ action figure) of Princess Celestia and literally made the costumes from scratch. She created the crowns, the colorful hair, the “hoof guards” (I guess that’s what they are), and everything else. She had to measure our girls like a tailor to get it done. She’s not even a “seamstress” per se, but just her love for our children would not allow her to rest until she had hand-made those costumes for them. Here’s a picture of how they turned out:

Of course, there’s so much more to this point than I have time or space to get into here. She thrives on teaching our kids, and our kids have truly thrived under her instruction. She is truly amazing to watch. 


Which leads me (in a double-entendre kind of way) to my next point… 

3. She is SUPER-HOT. In order to maintain this blog’s “G” rating, I’ll just leave it at that. 

4. She has a great attitude. This actually puzzled me when I was first getting to know her, because I was such a natural skeptic. She is always solution-minded and has always seen the glass half-full. This is one of the most attractive qualities about her in my mind. She doesn’t wallow in self-pity. She keeps the train moving, even when she doesn’t feel emotionally up to the task. She’s a trooper. I’ve learned so much from her in this area. 

5. She is her own person. She’s not afraid to stand out. She’s not afraid to have an alternate opinion. She doesn’t mind if people disagree with her. She prefers to maintain her personal integrity and honesty instead of being a people-pleaser. She’s not a blind trend-follower. She has a mind of her own. This is extremely attractive to me…I would hate to be married to a Stepford wife. Hey, this actually ties in with my next point… 

6. Even when we fight, I’m madly in love with her. I’m telling the truth. The reason for this is because we have an understanding. I know deep down that the only reason she may be bringing something negative about me to my attention is because she has a genuine loyalty to me, and to our relationship. If she didn’t give a rat’s behind about the direction we were headed as a couple, she wouldn’t fight. But when she does, I know it’s coming from a place of sincerity. Not a place of trying to “one-up” each other, but a place of wanting the relationship to get better. This is a critical point in my mind. We both know that we’re in this for life. We tussle, and then we get over it, and keep moving on. Sometimes we have actually busted out laughing right in the middle of a spat. LOL 

7. She is a passionate person. In a world full of people that simply don’t care, this quality of hers really stands out to me. She puts her all into whatever she sets her mind to do. When she began to get serious about blogging, she would be up at all times of the night, perfecting posts, pinning photos, tweeting on Twitter, etc. etc. She has always been able to run circles around me. I’m more of a thinker, an analyzer, a planner, and she’s just simply more of a doer. To me, apathy is one of the great sins of our generation. She is far from apathetic. She loves hard and she works hard. 

8. She supports me. She gives me the space to make decisions without henpecking everything to death. There have been times when she knew that I wasn’t fully thinking something through, and although she would tell me her honest opinion, she would still give me the space to do what was in my heart. On the occasions where my own plans blew up in my face (which they have quite a few times), she wouldn’t rub it in or go the “I-told-you-so” route. She would simply help me pick up the pieces and roll with me to the next venture. 

9. She is an honest person. Probably one of the most honest people you’ll ever meet. This is similar to point # 5 in my mind, but I wanted to add a little something extra here. She exalts truth. She believes in dealing honestly with people. She doesn’t placate. She doesn’t patronize. She leans towards telling people what they need to hear instead of what they want to hear. This is a very attractive quality to me. I don’t have to wonder if she’s hiding something, or suppressing her real feelings. She simply tells the truth. It reminds me of that old saying: “Always tell the truth. That way, you won’t have to remember what you said.” 

10. She can COOK!!! This could definitely take the top spot if I think long enough about it. She can bake cakes that are out of this world. She can try cooking a particular dish for the first time and absolutely nail it. I’ve seen her do this over & over again. They always say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I can’t lie…there’s a whole lot of merit to that statement. 

So anyway, I just wanted to wish Stephanie a Happy Mother’s Day, and just let the whole wide internet know why I love her so much. I love you baby!!!!!